|It's time for humorous parodies of winter weather|
alerts in Washington DC.
It appeared in the Washington City Paper. I also love it that the text is in the same font as an official National Weather Service statement, which I'm unable to effectively reproduce here.
The "Watch" By Perry Stein from Washington City Paper includes these gems:
"A winter storm watch... which is in effect starting Wednesday will immediately lead to a halt in the area's functionality.
* IF THE SNOW APPEARS TO BE STICKING, SOCIAL MEDIA-SAVVY D.C. RESIDENTS WILL ORGANIZE A SNOWBALL FIGHT IN DUPONT CIRCLE OR NEAR U STREET NW. A COP MAY SHOW UP WITH A GUN. * ACCUMULATION OF MORE THAN THREE INCHES MAY CAUSE NATIVES OF MORE NORTHERN CITIES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW D.C. HANDLES THE SNOW. THESE PEOPLE SHOULD MOSTLY BE IGNORED.
*100 PERCENT OF AREA RESTAURANTS ARE EXPECTED TO CAPITALIZE ON THE STORM, MANY OFFERING DARK AND STORMY COCKTAILS ON THE CHEAP. RESIDENTS WHO DO NOT MAKE IT TO WORK BECAUSE OF TREACHEROUS COMMUTING CONDITIONS WILL STILL MAKE IT TO HAPPY HOUR.
I've decided to add my own Vermont Winter Storm Watch in case the storm makes it this far north. (Which is still iffy) I can'd do the National Weather Service font, but oh well. Here goes my version of a Winter Weather Warning Statement:
"The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Watch in Vermont.
Snow is expected to begin Thursday and continue Thursday night into Friday. Screams of "Powder Day!!!" from Vermonters are expected to accompany the heavy snow.
The snow is expected to mix with scattered idiotic drivers on Interstate 89 during the storm, especially during the morning and late afternoon commutes. The fast-moving idiots, coming mostly in the form of SUVs, will cause traffic delays, bent fenders and derisive laughter as people mock the upside down SUVs in snowbanks.
Also in effect is a Tow Advisory to continue into Saturday as people leave their cars on the streets despite winter parking bans. Scattered cursing and arguing will occur during the Tow Advisory. There is even a chance of a thrown punch during the Tow Advisory period.
The National Weather Service has also issued a Sledding Hill Congestion Watch through Sunday as heavy sledding and tobogganing is expected to develop this week. The areas most threatened with sledding hill congestion are areas near schools closed by the snowy weather, where children will gather to play, proving they could have made it to classes after all.
Additionally, a Clueless, Rude Out of State Skier Watch is in effect through the next week at least. There is a risk that some out of state visitors might travel on the wrong side of the road, text while zooming down a ski slope and yell at a hapless waitress because the restaurant is out of Stoli O.
Vermonters are urged to exercise caution and patience during the Clueless, Rude Out of State Skier Watch period.
Finally, a seed catalog greenery advisory is in effect through March. Winter weary Vermonters might start drooling over the lush plants pictured in the seed catalogs now appearing in Vermont mailboxes. Slick spots due to gardeners' drooling over the pictures are likely.