Sorry, Conspiracy Theorists, But "Chemtrails" Are Not A Thing

I'm totally on with Vane, the weather page on the snarky Web site Gawker, which has been totally going off on all those people who think that chemtrails exist and the government is trying to kill us with them.

Or something.

At the risk of having a bunch of conspiracy theorists with pitchforks or spray bottles of vinegar (more on that later) come at me because they think I'm part of the conspiracy, I'm going to yell at the chemtrail believers too.

CHEMTRAILS DON'T EXIST, YOU MORONS!!!

I'd better explain what this conspiracy theory is first: You know those thin white clouds or streaks you see forming behind a jet airplane as it passes overhead? Those are contrails. The hot exhaust from the jet engines hits the cold air and causes condensation. What you're seeing is a trail of ice crystals behind the jet.

These condensation trails can last from a few seconds to several hours after the jet goes by, depending upon atmospheric conditions.

We've seen these contrails up in the sky ever since there were jets.

Chemtrail enthusiasts say the you can tell many, most or all contrails are actually their beloved chemtrails, because they spread out or linger in the sky for hours, or merge with existing high clouds.

Since there can be any number of wind patterns up there where the jets fly, the wind can do all kinds of things to the condensations trails, bend them, make them much wider, intertangle several condensation trails-- you name it.

Still, a bunch of yahoos think these contrails are actually chemtrails.

According to RationalWiki, chemtrail conspiracists aren't totally sure what nefarious plot is behind the phenomenon, but top theories are it's for sterilization for genocide or population control, administration of drugs for mind control, to stop human evolution, to combat climate change.

One of the more interesting theorites is that chemtrails are designed to give Monsanto a global monopoly on genetically modified food by poisoning the environment so nothing but their seeds will grow.

Um, doesn't Monsanto already have almost a monopoly on genetically modified seeds? So why would they need so-called chemtrails.

Well, that's besides the point.

We could dismiss chemtrail enthusiasts as a bunch of tinfoil hat wackos, but too many people who should know better take this seriously for some reason.

 An Arizona State senator recently held a hearing on chemtrails in Lake Havasu City and the local paper took the foolishness seriously. 

In their article, the Havasu News actually did person on the street interviews about the subject and got responses like this:

"Jennifer Cramer of Havasu said she's noticed the "chemtrails" in town for about two years. "Every time they do chemtrailing there is some dramatic change in the weather. I noticed it this weekend and then it got very windy.....I'm not a scientist and I don't know what's in the (chemtrails) I think we have a right to know instead of worry (sic) about it every day."

Let me clue you in,  Jennifer, so you can stop worrying.  Contrails are most noticeable and tend to last longest, and spread out more when there are other high thin clouds starting to move in.

Those high thin clouds are often the first sign of an approaching storm. That's why it got windy, Jennifer. A normal, run of the mill, non conspiracy, meterological storm was probably coming your way.

So chill.

Oh, and about the vinegar: Some conspiracy theorists say you can neutralize the effects of chemtrails by spray vinegar into the air. That has led to some hilariously pathetic YouTube videos of people with plant misters spraying vinegar into the air.

There's one of those videos at the bottom of this post for entertainment.  In it, a woman is spraying vinegar into the air with a plant mister, and is convinced she is making the "chemtrails" disappear. (The contrails disappear on their own, you moron!)

The best line in the video is when you hear her teenage son say, resigned: "We are NOT your average family."

Meanwhile, I'm sure I, and Vane/Gawker writer Dennis Mersereau would get plenty of flak and vinegar from the conspiracists. But that's part of the job, I guess.

Now, go have some vinegar with that video I promised: